After the
Dust cleared away
Piecing together
Ruined remains
A thirst for
Even a slight accord
Blinding light
Fades to black
Last wishes
A vicious
Cycle of accustomed sadness
I presume
That circumstance
Compounds with hapiness
The deformed veiw
Or complete lack
As your smile becomes
Just another part of the mask
Conceding to
My exhausted vocation
Of endless waiting
In isolation
In perfect patience
I rhyme too much.
Anyway life has been very eventful lately but of course not in a good way…
I will be moving into the new house by the end of this week most likely. It’s extremely stressful for me to leave the only place I have known as home. I feel obligated to go through with it though because although my brother and his girlfriend could make it without me, the extra money I could provide them would help out so much. Not only that but I spoke with my aunt today and she told me that my grandfather (who actually owns this house) is doing very badly health wise and isn’t good on cash either. If I move out he can sell the place and get a good lump of money. There’s no way I can be selfish with this also in the mix but facing it has been extremely difficult. When I went to talk about it with my therapist I was so stressed out about it (coupled with my terrible stomach problems) I got sick before and twice during our session.
Not only do I have this overwhelming sense of responsibility all of a sudden but my personal relationships that I worked so hard for are falling apart. Me and a distant ex wherefinally building what I thought to be a solid, stable and close friendship. Then all of a sudden they stopped talking to me. I have an idea why but nothing comforts the fact that it feels like I’m losing her all over again in a way. She was, for a while, a solid support for me and not that is gone. Not to mention an ex who I wanted out of my life has decided to now of all times hop back into it and I’m far too weak and stressed to gather up the strength to tell her to burn in the pits of hell where she belongs.
Also I have the results back from my wonderful test that showed absolutely nothing but damage from very bad reflux which I already knew I had. Basically people who have my kind of damage are about three times my age so looks like I have a head start on at least one thing.
I feel completely lost, empty and beyond depressed about it all. All I can do is shed more tears…
All that I can’t put my finger on
I will wrap my heart around
So far this familiar song
Resonates without a sound
Like a bullet to the senses
A sword through my sheild
Remove all defenses
Still I will not yeild
I’ll never back down from a battle
Though long ago I lost the war
Even with a feild covered in blood
These blinded eyes never lost sight of what I was fighting for
Compare my wounds to your acheivements
Only then I stand a chance to win
Within the trenches I will descend
Infinity is killing me again
Take my own weapon
Drive it through my heart
It never did me any good
It never took me far
So careless in your selfish ways
Living on the allure of your icy traits
While you were out working on your sway
I’ve been drowning in this bed for days
This won’t be a surprise
When I haven’t been telling lies
You must be deaf and blind
If you can’t hear or see these cries
You told me wrong
When you said I was strong
Cause I’ve been living too long in this life
Leave it for the sunrise
Cause I’ve taken enough tonight
I’ve got to tell you with my eyes
There’s not gonna be no kind of disguise
My heart’s been beating all this time
And it’s been eating away at my mind
Six nails seal the top
Of this wooden box
I can see myself inside
At first I couldn’t stand
For my blood to be on your hands
But you should know now no matter how ever many times you wash
Guilt and shame and lies and blame are impossible to get off
This won’t be a surprise
When I haven’t been telling lies
You must be deaf and blind
If you can’t hear or see these cries
You told me wrong
When you said I was strong
Cause I’ve been living too long in this life
My brain has been a floating contradiction lately.
The same thing that is making me happy is also making me sad. I relaize I have an addiction to a girl I should of left in the dust a long time ago. I’m wiser to her head games but stupid enough to play along and join in. Once again I’m sending her something that is worth more than to put a huge hole in my pocket for weeks to come. Hopefully this time around I get a better reaction.
I’m excited to get into my new home but absolutely dreading it as it creeps closer. How am I supposed to live with a child that makes me want to do torturous things to her within five minutes of contact? Not to mention the constant reminder from my brother and his girlfriend that he actually got the girl and is starting a life with her. Basically effortlessly posessing everything I’ve ever dreamt for myself. And I hate my reasons. I used to want to move out to get away from my mother and her stealing my money but now I know it’s simply because I have to help my brother. He has all that I don’t and all that I wish for. Am I happy for him? Of course. Am I bitter? Of course.
My job is the only thing keeping me in what I’m told is the “real world”. But delusion is fun too. I’ve got plenty of that.
I’ve also joined ebay which by all means is incredibly stupid of me. I have to save, not feed my growing obsession with online shopping. Also I am going ape shit over an itchy rash that I have. I never get rashes. I have fucking baby skin now this pops up. It’s probably stress or something of no concern but it drives me nuts.
And lastly I have an appointment on the eleventh to drink barium and take pictures of my tummy. Oh joy!
Ah, there’s always therapy tomorrow…
Beneath the weight of the air
Under a black sky full of stars
I dream of love beyond compare
And a life without iron bars
First off this thing is a bit confuzzling. If a certain lovely red head could assist me it would be much appreciated.
Tonight I feel like getting personal…
My insecurties have always been a part of me but lately they have been pushed to the surface and I’m finding out more about them as the days pass. I’ve always hated how I look, over the past few years I have changed quite a bit to look the way I always wanted but nothing is quite enough. Most people know by the way I always put myself down, I always try to keep it light though so they think it’s just an insecurity like everyone else has. But it goes much, much deeper. My weight has been a struggle for a while now. I know I am not fat or chubby nor am I skinny. But saying that I look in the mirror and see a cow. I have not worn shorts since I was 12 or 13 and I have not worn a bathing suit since I was 14 or 15. Even when I was young, skinny as a rail, I would wear a large shirt over my bathing suit to cover up. I hate my body.
I don’t look in the mirror often and when I do I am disgusted. I figure if I don’t like to look at my face no one else likes it either. When I am speaking with someone it is hard for me to keep eye contact, not just because I’m dreadfully shy but because I hate to be looked at. I actuallyavoid going out to public places because of this. When I am in public I feel horrible for the people who have to look at me, like I have ruined there day. I can imagine them thinking “why did she have to come out”. I hate compliments most of all. Well, of course I don’t hate them but the personal quality of them makes me feel terrible. I feel sad that these people feel they must say this to make me feel better or even worse, that they actually think it.
Obviously this blog will be more personal at times but there will always be happy posts, my wondeful humor, and of course my poems. If I ever come of as a complete psycho, that’s probably because I am =]
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